[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
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*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin with the U.S. election,
or, as you may know it, the "holy shit,
please make it stop trash fire two thousand fuckteen."
This was not a great week
for either party's front-runners.
And let's start with Hillary Clinton,
who, if she is not elected president this year,
will take all you fuckers down with her.
She caused a little controversy at Nancy Reagan's funeral
on Friday, and you might think,
"How can you get into trouble at a funeral?"
Watch her.
Blackwell: Secretary Clinton is now apologizing
for some comments she made about Nancy Reagan.
- It may be hard for your viewers to remember
how difficult it was for people to talk about HIV/AIDS
back in the 1980s, and because of both
President and Mrs. Reagan, in particular Mrs. Reagan,
we started a national conversation.
- What are you talking about?
Nobody thinks that.
You cannot give the Reagans credit
for a "national conversation" when he didn't publicly say
the word "AIDS" until 1985
and didn't address the nation about it until 1987.
So the Reagans started a conversation about AIDS
the way many parents start conversations
with their kids about sex:
by reluctantly mumbling something about it existing
around five years after it became relevant.
And the fact Hillary Clinton didn't know that
is a little weird.
It's strange to forget something so fundamental about a person.
It's like forgetting
Cookie Monster's thoughts on cookies
or Sir Mix-A-Lot's opinions on big butts.
A president is supposed to know this stuff.
But let's also quickly check in with Donald Trump,
an ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost.
He had a dramatic week,
culminating in this on Friday evening.
man: Chaos erupting at a rally for Donald Trump.
The violence so bad, the rally had to be canceled.
- Now, let's be honest.
a Trump rally being canceled due to violence
is the most predictable thing to happen in this campaign
since Donald Trump mentioning the size of his dick.
Of course those things happened. Of course they did.
And, look, it doesn't feel like shutting down his events
is the most effective idea.
But it was hard to hear him play down any kind of role
he may have had in this.
Trump: I certainly don't incite violence.
And I certainly would-- I don't condone violence,
and I don't talk about violence.
- Obviously, you know that's a lie.
It couldn't be true, even if he crossed his heart
with his tiny little AA battery-sized fingers.
Because there have been an escalating series
of confrontations at his rallies,
with his supporters attacking protesters.
And where might they get the notion that that's a good idea?
- Get him out of here. Throw him out!
If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato,
knock the crap out of 'em, would you?
You know what they used to do to guys like that
when they were at a place like this?
They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks.
I'd like to punch him in the face.
- Wow.
Strap in, because we're in for a bumpy ride, folks.
Donald Trump is one flaming guitar player away
from turning this campaign into Fury fucking Road.
But let's move on to International Women's Day,
the day that men with girlfriends wake up,
see the words "International Women's Day"
trending on Facebook, and suddenly wonder,
"Shit, do I have to do something right now?"
It took place on Tuesday, and around the world,
countries celebrated with varying degrees of success.
For instance, in Russia,
where it's observed as a public holiday,
Vladimir Putin went on TV with a message for women.
- [speaking Russian]
- Dear women, I wholeheartedly congratulate you
on International Women's Day.
You have time for everything,
manage a great load of issues,
and stay gentle, bright, and charming.
- Okay, okay.
First of all, it's a little strange to hear
a warm message from a man who looks
like he's perpetually crushing a baby bird in his fist.
And second, if he's trying to be progressive, he's failing here,
because "managing a great load of issues
while staying gentle and charming"
is exactly the double standard
that women are constantly trying to overcome.
[with Russian accent] "Yes, women, it is great
"to see you're so confident, capable, and career-focused.
"And sometimes you're not even a shrill bitch about it.
It's very nice."
Meanwhile--meanwhile in Turkey, President Recep Erdogan
used his Women's Day speech to make a point
you might not expect.
- [speaking Turkish]
- I know there will be some who will be annoyed, but for me,
a woman is, above all, a mother.
In my opinion, the greatest wrong that you can do to a woman
is to restrict her to live a life where she is the victim
of her economic independence.
- Okay, okay, okay.
First, "A woman is, above all, a mother"
is not even appropriate to say on Mother's Day.
And also, economic independence
is far from the greatest wrong you can do to a woman.
There is a list that runs from genital mutilation
through Nancy Meyers movies
that you need to get through first.
Now, as for China, a shopping mall there
offered discounts in honor of Women's Day
but only to good-looking women
after their facial appearances were scored by a face scanner.
And I'll say this: it's not often you hear
a news story that appears to have taken place
simultaneously in the distant future
and the distant past.
But it is amazing that somewhere in China,
a T.J.Maxx manager will have uttered the phrase,
"Sorry, the robot doesn't want to fuck you.
Those capri pants are full price."
And at this point, you will be glad to know
that here in the U.S., women marked their own day.
For instance, Fox News' Greta Van Susteren
delivered a commentary in honor of the event,
and let me just tell you in advance:
if you think you know where this is going,
you are wrong.
- The Taliban won't let women listen to music, go to school,
or leave the house without being covered head to toe in a burka.
Women around the world living under sharia law
endure the unthinkable simply for being women,
which brings me to this:
on this International Women's Day eve,
it'd be a good time for us women to recognize that American men--
let's give American men a shout-out.
- Yes, Greta Van Susteren marked International Women's Day
with a shout-out to American men
for being better than the Taliban.
I didn't even know--
I didn't even know this was possible, but--
but I'm pretty sure she just leaned out.
And--and she wasn't even done.
- Things aren't perfect.
For instance, we still don't have
equal pay for equal work.
But American men are by far, very by far,
the best men on the planet.
And we American women, we may not say it,
but we know that.
And American men deserve to hear that from us.
- You know, there may be no more fitting tribute
to the state of women internationally
than someone giving men credit for doing basically nothing.
And finally this week: Switzerland,
where the national dance
is collapsing from altitude sickness.
Last Sunday, the Swiss observed Tag der Kranken,
which I know sounds like an IKEA product
which might precipitate a divorce,
but it's in fact their annual Day of the Sick,
a tradition dating back to 1939.
And interestingly, Tag der Kranken
is the only Swiss tradition dating back to 1939
that is not also a war crime.
The theme of this year's Sickness Day was "laughter,"
and no one embraced the theme more
than Swiss president Johann Schneider-Ammann,
who gave a speech on the subject without cracking a smile once.
- [speaking Swiss]
- Dear friends,
those who know sick people, dear caregivers,
laughter is good for your health,
according to a popular saying.
Like me, you have certainly already had the experience.
- Have you, though? Have you laughed?
'Cause you have the permanent expression of a school principal
telling a child his hamster was trampled by the marching band.
His speech was so humorless, one media outlet noted
that he was "about as funny as a funeral director,"
which is a little unfair to funeral directors,
who tell all kinds of great jokes.
For instance, "Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Well, we know it's not your uncle."
And the frustrating thing is, it's not difficult
to make Tag der Kranken funny.
Just look at its official logo.
It is supposed to be a doctor caring for a patient,
but it's pretty clearly two priests
fucking on a kitchen table.
I assume that image beat out their other logo designs,
such as "doctor leaning over to check patient's pulse,"
"doctor assisting a vomiting patient,"
and an orgy.
Just an actual orgy.
But I'm sure the Swiss president would see no humor in that,
as he seems to be very clear about the rules
of what constitutes comedy.
- A cynical laugh with the goal of derisively mocking a person
is not a good laugh, in my opinion.
- Well, I hate to break it to you, Mr. President,
but those are the exact laughs
that we're all enjoying right now.
And I feel great about it.
And now this.
- Let me just say this.
Let me just say this.
Let me say this.
Let me say this for the fourth time.
Let me say this. Let me say this again.
Let me say this also.
Let me say this more importantly.
Let me say this. Let me just say this.
Let me say this. Let me say this.
Let me tell you this. Let me simply say this.
Let me...say this.
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns encryption,
the best way to keep people from reading your email,
short of making the subject line "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:
Hilarious joke from Uncle Walter."
No one's reading that.
You may not think about encryption much,
but it is pretty fundamental to all our lives.
Lyne: Almost everything you do today uses a code.
Every time you log on to an Internet service
like Twitter or Facebook and send your password,
every time you log in to Internet banking,
all of that information is protected using encryption code.
- [as Lyne] That's right.
[normal voice] Encryption can protect
the things most important to us:
our financial information, health records,
dick pics, trade secrets,
classified government records,
dick pics, our physical location,
the physical location of our dicks,
credit card information,
dick pics, and pictures of our dicks.
And it's not just our data.
Lots of things have computers in them now, even cars,
and last year, two hackers showed a writer from "WIRED"
how they could disable his car on the interstate.
man: Do it. Kill the engine.
- So we're killing the engine right now.
- [bleep]. I actually can't accelerate.
I turned on my hazard lights, but I was still stuck
in the right lane with no shoulder to escape onto.
Guys, I'm stuck on the highway.
- What'd he say? - I don't know.
I think he's panicking.
- Yeah, no shit he's panicking.
You killed his engine on the freeway.
Those hackers seem like they've played so many video games,
they've forgotten that cars are actual objects
carrying living people.
But while it can keep us safe, it's important to note,
encryption also has a downside.
It's become so ubiquitous, it's making it impossible
for law enforcement to gain access to certain information,
or, as FBI director James Comey puts it...
- Technology has become a tool of choice
for some very dangerous people,
and unfortunately, the law has not kept pace
with technology, and this disconnect has created
the significant public safety problem
we have long described as "going dark."
- Yes, "going dark."
It's a deliberately ominous-sounding term,
because you wouldn't get so scared if they just called it
"bad guy go bye-bye."
And you may have heard
about this "going dark" problem recently,
related to one particular work iPhone
belonging to Syed Farook,
the San Bernardino gunman who, with his wife,
killed 14 people last December.
woman: The FBI needs Apple's help
because the security settings on the phone lock the device
if a password is entered incorrectly too many times.
It may even erase all the data on the phone.
The FBI wants Apple to upload software that lets its analysts
get around the security features
and take as many shots at the passcode as necessary.
- Yes, the FBI has a dead terrorist's cell phone
that they cannot get into.
It's running a newer version of Apple's operating system,
where the data is fully encrypted
and can only be accessed by unlocking the passcode.
Even Apple can't currently get into the phone.
So the government is essentially demanding
that they come up with a cheat code
for their top-selling iPhone game,
"Fuck, What's My Passcode?!" rated E for everyone.
Apple is currently fighting that order in court,
arguing it shouldn't be forced to undermine
the security features that protect its encryption,
an argument which some have found troubling.
- I think Apple leadership risks having blood on their hands.
- How the hell you can't access a phone,
I just find baffling.
- Any system that would allow a terrorist to communicate
with somebody in our country and we can't find out
what they're saying is stupid.
- Whoa, that is the angriest Lindsey Graham has been
about a cell phone since his name got auto-corrected
to "linty grandma."
[with Southern accent] "Stupid phone.
"Learn my name. I am your boss.
Stupid. So dumb."
This issue has even been brought up
on the campaign trail, with predictable results.
- What I think you ought to do is boycott Apple
until such time as they give that security number.
How do you like that? I just thought of it.
Boycott Apple.
- "Oh, I don't know. I just thought of it.
"Give me another one. Israel-Palestine?
"Make 'em wrestle in those fake sumo costumes.
"Done! Done!
Being president is easy!"
But I will say:
this is a rare case where Donald Trump's outrage
is almost understandable,
because Apple's refusal to help crack a terrorist's phone
can seem hard to defend,
especially when, like John Miller of the NYPD,
you think about it incredibly simplistically.
- There is no bank, there is no safe company,
there is no vault, there is no apartment,
there is no door that can't be penetrated
with a lawful order from a U.S. court.
- Okay, point taken, but was "penetrated"
the best word choice there?
"The government needs to be able to penetrate you at any time.
"If we feel you need penetration,
"we have to be able to penetrate you
"quickly and effectively, here and now.
Why is everyone getting so uptight about this?"
But this is not simple.
It's a hugely complicated story with massive implications.
And once we get to the end of it,
you may not feel the same way that you do now.
Because to that man's point, an encrypted phone
is not really like a bank or a safe.
If you penetrate a safe,
you've only penetrated that safe.
But a code to open a phone could be modified to open
many, many more phones--
a fact that does not escape Apple CEO Tim Cook.
- No one, I don't believe, would want a master key built
that would turn hundreds of millions of locks.
Even if that key were in the possession
of the person that you trust the most,
that key could be stolen.
The only way we know to get additional information
is to write a piece of software
that is the software equivalent of cancer.
- Okay, now, on one hand,
giving your phone cancer sounds bad.
But on the other hand, "The Fault in Our Stars"
would have been amazing if Shailene Woodley
was playing a terminally ill iPhone 6s.
"No, God damn it! I won't let you go, Hazel!
"I'll hold down the power button and the home button
simultaneously forever!"
And to be clear: Apple hasn't been completely uncooperative.
They've already given the FBI
the information they could access,
including Farook's iCloud backups
from about six weeks before the attacks.
But they are refusing to create
the "cancerous" program the FBI wants--
not because it can't be done.
They say it would take six to ten engineers
up to four weeks to do it,
or, you know, a standard Genius Bar appointment.
But--but Apple worries
that once they make that program,
they can't keep it 100% safe.
And the FBI and its supporters can be weirdly dismissive
of that issue in ways that indicate
they either don't fully understand how technology works
or are pretending not to.
- What the government is asking Tim Cook is, "You designed it;
"you can design your way out of it for this one time.
"If you figure out the formula and crack open this phone
"to the point that we can then try codes against it,
"you can tear that formula up,
toss it in the fireplace, and throw it away."
- Oh, come on.
You know Apple is not writing its code on paper
next to a fireplace.
They're a cutting-edge technology company,
not Lord Grantham.
And as for the notion Apple can throw the formula away
after the FBI uses it once,
nobody seriously thinks that is going to happen.
man: Apple says if it complies, requests from law enforcement
could come for another phone an hour later,
opening a Pandora's box.
Apple officials pointed to the Manhattan district attorney
who says he has 175 iPhones with potential evidence
from serious crimes, including murder,
that he cannot open.
- Exactly.
There are over 175 other phones in line
just in New York,
so this is bound to set a precedent.
Think of the government as your dad.
If he asks you to help him with his iPhone, be careful,
because if you do it once, you're gonna be doing it
14 times a day.
And whatever happens in this case will have ramifications,
because the FBI ultimately wants Apple
and the entire tech industry to have its encryption
always be weak enough that a company can access
customers' data if law enforcement needs it.
So it might be the iPhone today, an Android phone tomorrow,
and a BlackBerry the day after that,
assuming that the day after that is in 1998.
And--and you might be wondering,
"But, look, if there's a warrant,
do these companies really have a choice?"
To which the answer, surprisingly,
might be, "Yes, they do."
The government is currently citing
the All Writs Act of 1789, which essentially mandates
you must cooperate with investigators
if they ask you to do something.
But courts are split over whether it applies
in cases like these.
And there's not really any more recent law covering this area,
which is not entirely an accident,
because we've been down this road before.
The government grappled with encryption two decades ago.
And in the early '90s, they even came up with what they thought
would be the ideal solution.
- The government will press private companies to use
a so-called Clipper chip in their computers
which would allow authorities to monitor coded messages.
- Now, that Clipper chip was theoretically perfect.
Your information could be encrypted,
but the government would have an access point
when it needed it.
It was like giving your house key to a trusted neighbor.
You can trust Mike.
He's only gonna try on your underwear
if it's absolutely necessary.
There was just one problem with that chip.
A computer scientist and hacker named Matt Blaze
figured out a way to disable
the government access feature of the chip,
and the whole project was eventually abandoned.
And by the way, is there a more '90s
series of words than "a hacker named Matt Blaze"?
It's got to be right up there with, "Talk to the hand, Furby,"
and "Grammy Award winners Milli Vanilli."
But thanks to the Clipper chip fiasco
and strong pressure from tech companies,
the government backed off,
eventually abandoning the push for a perfect back door.
But decades later,
they seem to have convinced themselves that it can be done.
- I believe that Apple's capabilities are remarkable
when it is their desire.
- I think Silicon Valley is full of great people who,
when they were younger, were told,
"Your dreams are too hard."
They were standing in a garage someplace.
They were told, "Can't be done."
Thank goodness they didn't listen.
- I hate to hear talk like, "That cannot be done."
I mean, think about if Jack Kennedy said,
"We can't go to the moon; that cannot be done."
He said something else:
"We're gonna get there in the next decade."
- Okay, listen, I love that optimism.
But for the record, there are lots of things we can't do
even though we've been to the moon.
For example, we are yet to master time travel
or figure out why Hulk Hogan dresses for court
like he's a pallbearer at a boa constrictor's funeral.
Those still elude human understanding.
And to some extent, the government's faith
in Apple's magic powers is the company's own fault.
After all, their ads have linked them
to Einstein and Gandhi,
and they sell the most mundane aspects of their products
as world-changers.
woman: This is iPhone 6s.
Not much has changed, except:
it responds to the pressure of your finger.
Now you can change apps like this.
Pay at more places like this.
And the new color looks like this.
It's rose gold. It's awesome.
- Ugh.
No, it is not.
Rose gold looks like someone vomited a salmon dinner
onto a pair of dirty ballet shoes.
But ads like those obscure the real truth about Apple,
which is that beneath their shiny rose gold surface,
they, like any other software company,
are incredibly susceptible to hackers,
who are constantly finding flaws in their security features.
Right now, you can buy boxes like this one on eBay
that can hack you into an iPhone
running some versions of iOS 8 or lower.
Just watch this YouTube video showing you how they work.
You just attach the wire to the screen,
adjust a few settings,
let it cycle through passcodes,
and eventually, you are in.
And Apple, understandably,
do not want us thinking too much about that.
"Scary security flaws" is one of those three-word phrases
they absolutely hate to be associated with,
like "corporate tax avoidance"
or "factory suicide nets."
Also, when Apple argues that if it's forced to have access
to all its customers' encrypted data,
it can't 100% guarantee its safety,
most computer scientists agree,
or, as Matt Blaze,
the guy who hacked the Clipper chip, puts it...
- When I hear the, "If we can put a man on the moon,
we can do this," I'm hearing an analogy
almost as if we're saying,
"If we can put a man on the moon,
well, surely we can put a man on the sun."
- And that is a rational scientific view.
Just because a man can walk on the moon
does not mean he might as well be walking on the sun,
a point summarized recently
in "The New England Journal of Smashmouth."
But look--
but look, for the sake of argument,
let's assume Apple could have access to your encrypted data,
repeatedly help law enforcement,
and always keep the bad guys out--
which, again, is widely thought by experts to be impossible.
That still won't solve the FBI's "going dark" problem.
Because if you really want to keep your communications secret,
there's an app for that.
- The encryption debate is proving to be good business
for one start-up.
Telegram, a messaging app
that encrypts messages end to end,
has surpassed 100 million users.
- And that's the point: people who want encryption
will always be able to find it.
If it's not Telegram or WhatsApp,
it could be one of the more than 800
other encryption products out there,
almost 2/3 of which are made by companies
not easily covered by U.S. law,
like Silent Phone or Threema
or SnikkitySnak or MailGrub.
Now, granted, those last two aren't real, but the point is,
they will be in five minutes if the government forces
the other ones to weaken their encryption.
And that might not be the only unintended consequence
of the FBI's actions.
Many countries around the world, including Russia and China,
are watching this debate
and will presumably expect similar access,
because, as you know, Russia and China
have as much respect for privacy
as horny teenagers in '80s comedies.
And when you consider all this--
the legal tenuousness of the FBI's case,
the security risks of creating a key,
the borderline impossibility of perfectly securing the key,
the international fallout of creating a precedent,
and the fact that a terrorist could circumvent all of this
by downloading whatever the fuck Threema is--
it's enough to sway the most strident opinion.
Case in point: remember Lindsey Graham,
Mr. "This is stupid"?
Just this week--
three months after he said that--
he was in a hearing
with the attorney general Loretta Lynch
about this subject, and this happened...
- I think that for us,
the issue is about a criminal investigation
into a terrorist act and the need to obtain evidence.
- And--but it's just not so simple,
and I'll end with this.
I thought it was that simple; I was all with you
until I actually started getting briefed by people
in the intel community, and I will say I'm a person
who's been moved by the arguments
of the precedent we set and the damage we may be doing
to our own national security.
- It's a miracle.
Lindsey Graham has met the concept of nuance.
And this is a man who once warned,
"The world is literally about to blow up."
So you're not dealing with someone
who likes to dabble with gray areas.
And look, there is no easy side to be on in this debate.
Strong encryption has its costs, from protecting terrorists
to drug dealers to child pornographers.
But I happen to feel that the risks of weakening encryption--
even a little bit, even just for the government--
are potentially much worse.
And even though I'm on Apple's side in this case,
I do think they would help both their customers
and the government understand this a lot better
if they were a little more honest
regarding security in their ads.
woman: Hi. We're Apple.
This is an Apple iPhone.
It comes in rose gold. It's awesome.
This is an Apple customer.
- Hey, Siri.
Find vegan sushi.
woman: Mmm, sounds good.
And these are the engineers who make our products.
- Hey. woman: Hey, guys.
We can help you communicate, celebrate,
pay for stuff, everything.
But here's something you should know.
We're barely one step ahead of hackers at all times
so that when you idiots lose your phone,
your information doesn't wind up in the hands
of guys like Gary.
- Hey. I'm Gary.
Thanks for losing your phone, dipshit.
woman: Hey, Gary.
Because if Gary can get in, he has access
to pictures of your food, your bank account,
pretty much everything.
- Now I can masturbate to photos of your family.
woman: [laughs] Okay, Gary.
And when we find out there's a security flaw,
this is how we react.
- Fuck! Fuck, fuck!
woman: Yeah, that's about right.
So when the FBI comes to us and asks if we can undermine
our encryption without compromising everyone else's
emails, texts, and skateboarding videos,
this is our response...
- Are you fucking kidding me?
We're engineers, not wizards.
woman: Are you sure you're not wizards?
- Yeah. Pretty sure. Fuck!
woman: Okay, listen. Apple's not perfect.
You need proof? We made the Newton.
We made that one Mac that looks like a toaster.
We actually thought the Apple Watch was cool.
- Wait. This isn't cool?
woman: Oh, fuck no. - Shit!
woman: We put a U2 album on your phones.
You know, the one you've been struggling to delete?
That thing keeps coming back, huh?
And you can't even make our battery last
more than, like, a day.
Why is that, exactly?
- Have you tried turning off
location services and push emails
and adjusting your screen brightness
so that you can--
woman: Okay. Forget we asked.
The point is, best-case scenario,
we can keep hackers out of your stuff
for about six months before this happens again.
- I'm back.
I see someone's been to the beach.
[all yelling]
woman: So please, keep enjoying our products.
Just know this shaky edifice could crumble at any moment.
Apple.
- Agh! - What did you do?
What are you doing?
- That's our show. Thanks for watching.
See you next week. Good night.
[cheers and applause]
- Agh!
[all yelling]
- I don't know what to do!
[upbeat rock music]
*
- No! No!
What did you do? What did you do?
I don't know how to use this thing!
I don't know how to-- - Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
*
[bright tone]